There are days I wake up and wish I had no cancer.Or that I was having a bad dream.What has cancer taught me ? Do not take your life for granted, you never know when your bubble is gonna burst…. I look down and see an array of cars and other vehicles blaring horn continously and competing to reach where?? It makes no sense to me coz I too was running to reach somewhere when God decided to apply brakes.So people dont honk continously it is of no use,you are not going to apply brakes in your life someone else will so take a chill pill, let the car overtake you , dont shout , dont abuse ,it wont help you anyways.
Each day is full of shocks and surprises, Iam constantly worried if my cancer is spreading, i know i have no say in it and I cant do anything but to worry is human I guess.I had read the book Tuesdays with Morrie, i guess long time back( before my diagnosis) and had liked it.Iam reading it now and the words sound so true to me now.As mentioned in the book, the day I was diagnosed I looked out of the hospital window and saw the world moving on as usual.School kids going to school, cars overtaking , people talking on mobile phones whereas I expected the world to stop.I had a terminal diagnosis how can others go on with their lives as usual? I realised soon that we all suffer from the spotlightsyndrome , we always expect and believe the spotlight is on us when in reality it isnt.World will go on no matter what, you are only a tiny part of it,your presence/ absence doesnt make much of a difference.I learnt it the hard way I wish people realise it quicker than wasting their lives on running behind stuff that makes no sense to them.
I understand people find it hard to digest that I have cancer, I dont know if its hereditary iam no researcher to analyse my DNA, i wish to believe it is hereditary so Iam the chosen one and others are spared.Not coz iam ready to sacrifice my life, but i know i needed a change/ push in my life and God decided to give me a good push 🙂 go sort out your life , realise the mess and do something about it.The only person in the world who can make me cry in this world is my son.He is a delayed kid and getting on with normal life now.I realised yesterday that we underestimate kids a lot.My son started talking when he was 4, so naturally i expected him to be late in everything even understanding human emotions, but he has proved me wrong on a couple of occasions.He asked me yesterday about something that happened 2 years back,he was 8 then.I along with my parents were going to a hospital ( to kind of finalise my diagnosis ) and I didnt know what to tell my son or how long I would be gone.He went to school as usual in the morning and in the evening instead of me and my parents he was greeted by my inlaws.He asked me yesterday why didnt you tell me mummy that you were leaving, why did you leave without telling me? I said i was sick and I didnt know what to tell you.Yes a 8 year old delayed kid has emotions.Maybe he cant express it ( he had speech delay) but he understands everything. I wish I had an easier life , I sometimes want to scream out to the world that cancer is a disease anyone can get it, does it make me sadistic ? But thats the truth.Many a times you dont even have an answer to the question why?