On the onset Iam not a writer and I ask myself why do I put myself to this misery, but I seem to enjoy reading the stuff I write, so i guess that is the motivating factor.I can write for myself right?

I perfectly understand why people dont like talking about cancer all the time, even I dont.But i guess the normal people can take a choice, I cant.Its a part of me now however hard I try not to acknowledge it. My school was just opposite to my ancestral home (where I was born) and even the click sound of my house gates aroused my attention when I was young.I was curious to know who was entering my house, is it someone I know? The property was full of mango trees then, though I wasnt a nature person the sound of birds and mangoes reminded me of a different world.I always wondered how the birds communicated, what their problems were and what mattered to them the most.Did humans exist in their chart?I wished I could be a part of their lives faraway from the real world.My real world then was exams and schools not cancer.Exams terrified me and I studied not coz I loved studying but I had to pass.Failure scared me.I was so stupid.I was ‘first in class’ and I had the badge pinned on to my uniform and I beamed with pride everytime i saw it.Now when I think of it, it was so gross! I still vividly remember attending a family function straight from school with the first in class badge pinned on coz my mom thought that was appropriate.Maybe she wanted to show off the studious daughter.I dont think it worked.My childhood dream was getting myself a gandharvan ( husband of the apsaras) after I watched the malayalam movie njan gandharvan.Guess the reason? He helped the heroine during exams and he knew magic,he can get me whatever i want to eat.Yes food and exams.Good Food is still one of my weaknesses.I know education is just a part of your life, its not your whole life.I mean when I was not ‘ FIRST IN CLASS ” for some exams i hid it from my family coz i couldnt bear the humiliation i had to face.It all seem funny now but it sure wasnt then… What do everyone think of reincarnation? I read a book called Many lives Many masters and the book is about it.I dont know how I would have looked at it if I didnt have cancer.Do i want to believe it now? TO console myself that life is immortal ? To reduce the death fear? I DONT know.But I always believed even before I was diagnosed that I knew so little of my religion, so little of God , so little of life that I had no right to disregard them coz I was ignorant of its beliefs.Even now I dont know what is the truth , but i like to look at it with that view point too coz it provided me some of the answers to the questions I had.I dont blindly follow anything i only absorb what I feel is right.I dont think i was prepared for mother hood when i became pregnant.It was the usual course of events that happened, you get married , you have a kid and then your lives are tied to it.I mean i understand perfectly well when someone tells me they dont want a kid coz if you cant take care then why? I mean in places where the lady of the house is the sole bread winner , and the husband has no job( maybe a sugarcoated fake job for his relatives & friends), the wife is supposed to come home and cook, when the husband is snoring away in internet or improving his clientile in God knows what ,blissfully unaware of what is happening in his family life? This isnt preaching feminism, this is the twisted reality. NOT generalising men or saying all men are the same but this or a uglier version of this is the truth in many cases. Back to canworld,Waiting for results is the worse part of this disease, in my case once I get my test results i become calm, I dont know how or why that happens that is irrespective of the result.Maybe its my minds own defense mechanism not to irritate the already irritated cells not to multiply further.No wonder people fear it so much.So called miracle cures.I have spoken to a lot of people who advise me to try it , maybe they say it coz they care for me but they dont understand I cant take a chance now.Its entirely my decision what I want to try, and if I dont try these alternative methods Iam supposed to be not trying enough.How can that be? They immediately tell me you are not a doctor how can you judge it so quickly, agreed Iam not one but Iam the one with cancer and so i do know a little more than someone without it.So stop judging people, it may work or maynot work as it is with most meds coz its cancer so why I cant I decide coz iam the guinea pig ? And its a hard world,as with chemo your viens magically disappear in addition to the other side effects so even a normal blood test is a nightmare for a cancer patient.I guess its a challenge for the nurses too coz getting my vien to draw blood is no kids play.Last week when i went to my regular lab for a blood test, where only 2 nurses ( trained and tested) used to take my blood test,the lab people told me one has resigned with a look of worry.Was i supposed to hunt for another lab or was i supposed to be ready for the pain and misery associated with numerous pricks for my blood ?They ask me why am i shouting, I tell them its paining. Finally I get the blood test done with black bruises and pain but thats the tip of the iceberg in the journey i guess….

2 thoughts on “Fifth

  1. I, too, have stage 4 lung cancer. I understand better than most. Funny how when you hear you are dying, living life becomes a priority and things you once thought important, just aren’t anymore. Bless you my dear and please, continue sharing your thoughts. We are similar in many ways.

    Liked by 1 person

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