When I was young my recurring fantasy or dream was me alone in my home town with no human population around.Restaurants loaded with food , my favourite shops left open for me to shop for clothes, cosmetics and what not.Maybe it sounded weird but I loved it.Years later I still ask myself do I want it?What makes me happy these days? Does everyone have an expiry tag attached to them? I find it weird when people shower sympathy.But I keep asking myself why me? Did I kill anyone? Did I hurt anyone ? If I did to what degree?Or is it unrelated to Karma?I dont know.I keep comparing myself to the normal people around ( i try hard not to) but I hardly succeed, I too was one among the so called normal people,why did I get this? Not anyone else? I also see people ignoring me or trying to stay away from me coz I remind them that Cancer exists or do I remind them of the dark side of life thatΒ  If I can get it ( seemingly healthy) they too can.Does ignoring me help them come to terms with reality? Maybe it does.I dont care.No, the world is not full of such people.I have come across unknown people treating me with kindness and respect.I have my friends who call me day after my chemo asking me how I am.I dont remember telling them that I had chemo ,maybe earlier ,not on the day of chemo but they remember the dates.I remember frantically messaging my friends that i had developed brain mets and I wanted them to pray for me.One of them casually asked me ok when are you joining back to work after the procedure? I felt good when i heard it.Maybe coz, come what may I will go back to work.Thats the belief they had in me.I recently connected with a friend with whom I hadnt spoken for years.I never hide my cancer but i hate people proposing to come and see me.I hate being treated as a patient.I told her i dont look good now, i have no hair, no eyebrows and I weigh 90 kgs she said iam not coming to marry you i dont care how you look.That sounded funny ( atleast in my ears). When people were scared about the nipah virus ( google for those who dont know what it is) i felt strangely calm.I felt I already have cancer so why fear? But its strange and weird to see people panicking but I guess its a normal thing.Maybe I was like this too prior to my diagnosis.


2 thoughts on “Fourth

    MY NAME IS VAL I have stage 3 metastatic nsclc adenocarcinoma with Egfr mutations Exon 19!
    I was dx. In 2012 I had first standard of care which was surgery to remove lobe of my upper left lung! It came back in 2017 on a staple it was thought to be scar tissue but not! Standard of care was radiation treatment. I changed Oncologist to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center! April 2019 I was dx. again! Now on oral meds Tagrisso!
    Take care #keepupthegoodfight


  2. You asked what makes you happy these days. I think you already find happiness in all the good things in your life. Your friends, who really care, unexpected kindness of unknown people, contacts with friends, work. Kind, caring, funny words. Small things matter the most, more than material things. When you have the ability to find joy in your everyday life, you can feel happy more often than not.
    People used to think that cancer is a punishment, but it is not. It is an illness. Everyone of us has an invisible expiry tag, but healthy people ignore it. A cancer patient has to face death. Though there is fear and sadness, being aware of our mortality gives a new wider point of view to life.
    Thank you for your thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

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